What she discovered about herself and her dates was eye-opening.  First, she believes we disconnect the emotional from the sexual, to our detriment.  By rushing to bed, women, in particular, forego the emotional connection they desire for mere sexual contact.  She views it as women exchanging sexual frustration for emotional frustration.

Anderson found that by removing sex from her dating, she was able to be more “generous” in dating, meaning she gave men a break as she wasn’t viewing everything through sexualized context.  The men seemed to embrace the chance to step into traditional roles of courtship.

Women seemed to be the most upset at her chastity vow, which she attributes to the view that a woman’s independence is related to loving and leaving men, not choosing another way.

Anderson wrote a book on her experiences.  Of the letters she received from men, some affirmed that if the right woman came along, they would be willing to wait until marriage for sex.

Her goal now is to bring “moderation” to the sexual revolution.

This article is interesting to me because a secular source is affirming many of the reasons Christians have for choosing abstinence.  Removing sex from the dating equation frees people to look at other aspects of their beloved – their character and the rest of their life.  While sex may be an important part of a marriage,  things like views on money, children, religion, and family are the primary reasons people divorce – not sex life.   Having sex in a relationship muddies the water.

Anderson points out that women need emotional connection, and by jumping in bed, women lose the opportunity to get that from men.

A friend of mine claims the sexual revolution was merely a way for men to get free sex – without the strings of marriage, paternity, or even relationship.  Unfortunately, there is a lot of truth in that statement.

Chastity is not viewed as a virtue by most in our society.  Anderson’s piece at least presents it as an option for those navigating the dating world.  Young women and men don’t understand that there is a choice beyond sex, nor does anyone tell them the emotional and relational pitfalls.  Society mocks virginity, abstinence and celebrates people who can’t keep their marriage vows.  Anderson’s work may not be perfect, but it at least presents a point to start the discussion.

I understand the first two groups positions, and I don’t think I need to rehash them here.  What is striking is that the first two groups have decided marriage is an important right – one worth fighting over.  The third group concerns me.  These are folks who have written off marriage.

This attitude puzzles and perplexes me.  As a single woman, I understand that marriage is not something for everyone.  Some want to avoid commitment; some fear failure; some are hoarding wealth; others can’t make an emotional commitment.  I imagine there are other reasons.

Marriage is an important right.  It is worth fighting over.  Setting aside religious reasons of Christians, Jews, Muslims, there are still many good reasons to value marriage.

Financial: Marriage protects and enhances assets.  Two people can build up (or spend!) a fortune easier than one can.  There are various tax breaks available to married couples.  Social security is available to surviving spouses, not surviving live-ins.  I am always shocked at the women who commit financial suicide by failing to marry or by divorcing spouse for no reason other than their perception of “convenience.”  If your long-term live-in dies in a car crash, you will not get social security benefits. If your husband dies, you do.  This could amount to a substantial amount of money over a lifetime.

In my experience, there is a financial disparity in the household finances as well.  Women tend to foot the bill at a greater rate than men do.  If children are brought into the mix, women have to take off time from work and their finances suffer further.  Some of these women do not return to the work force – again their social security and retirement suffers.  If the relationship ends, the woman is left without income if she hasn’t returned to the job yet.  The greatest imbalance of financial problems occurs at the poverty level – women with children get the welfare benefits and the men in their lives mooch off of them to the detriment of the woman and children.

Families: Children feel more secure in a committed family.  Roles are defined by the couple – the relationship is not something just fallen into like a sexual relationship can be.  Both have assented to the relationship.  I see many women who are putting up with boyfriends who won’t make a commitment because they are afraid to be alone.  This imbalance of power affects the relationship (and is a reason why, I believe a lot of men don’t want to get married).

I see children shuffled around like baggage when their parents cannot maintain a firm commitment to each other.  When it isn’t convenient for the parent to have the child, the child is sent off to someone else’s house.  Usually “convenience” is defined by the new significant other or the person’s sex life.

Children are put in physical danger in their unmarried parents’ homes.  Let’s face it: the new boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t likely to want to take care of someone else’s kids (the ones who do admirably I commend).  Look at the murder rate of young children – it is often Mom’s new boyfriend or Dad’s new girlfriend.  And don’t even get me started on the rate of sex abuse that happens at the hands of these transient significant others.

Health: So you didn’t get married because you didn’t want Mrs X as a mother-in-law.  In fact, your beloved hasn’t seen or talked to his mother in a couple years.  Then your 20 year live-in boyfriend was in a car accident and put into a vegetative coma.  Guess who decides if he lives or dies?  Yup, absent a written health care power or attorney, it is the next of kin.   This is one of the main reasons cited by gays wanting the right to marry.

Feelings:  Don’t underestimate the benefit of being called someone’s “wife” or “husband.” Those little words carry a lot of power, demonstrate a lot of feelings, and carry legal authority.  The social standing is different than one who is merely a “significant other,” “paramour,” “lover,” “boyfriend” or “guy-I-live-with.”

My fear is that the next generation will not see the benefit of marriage and will not understand why anyone fought for it.  Regardless of your stance on gay marriage, as a society and individuals, we need to acknowledge that marriage matters.

Christians decry abortion, but refuse to educate their children about the blessings of celibacy and how to practically achieve that purity in daily life. Division rips at the Church on the issue of homosexuality, but we wink and smirk at heterosexual sex outside of marriage.  We ignore the issue of pornography (except to say we are against it in some vague, undefined way) and refuse to acknowledge its creeping encroachment in our lives via the internet, TV, and movies.

It is not surprising that today’s American Christian is just as likely to have sex outside of marriage (either before, during or after), create children before marriage,  have an unhappy, unsexually fulfilled marriage, and get divorced!

Today’s most endangered species in America?  A virgin over 18 years of age.  Purity is not a value American culture celebrates.  Having sex with as many people as possible is the name of the game.  Movies are plotted around the idea that without having sex, one cannot have a fulfilling existence, cannot be popular and is somehow “weird.”  Glossing over the issues of pregnancy, STDs and relationship difficulties that multiply with multiple partners, American Society wants everyone to join in the orgy.  After all, there are no consequences, right?

Instead of pointing out the myriad of problems that come with multiple sexual partners, viewing pornography and refusing to submit the body, the Christian Church ignores much of the problem.  The sexual purity line is drawn around homosexuals and abortioners, not women reading graphic romance novels or men viewing Playboy videos.

Jesus had other ideas.  He declared, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”  Matthew 5:27-28.     I doubt Jesus would be happy at the state of Purity in the American Church.

Paul, picking up Jesus’ theme, wrote about purity.  His desire was clearly in line with Jesus’: “I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people – not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral or the greedy and swindlers, or idolators.  In that case you would have to leave this world.  But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolator, or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler.  With such a man do not even eat.” I Cor. 5:9-11.  He later writes, “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” 1 Cor. 6:13b.

It is not enough to say that “We are against pre-marital sex,” (even though that alone would be a refreshing change- most churches are silent on the issue).  No, the Church needs to step up and provide help to individuals struggling with purity burdens.  We need to accept less of the pornographic ideas that society tries to feed us through the internet, fashion, TV, movies and accepted social behaviors.

We need to equip our pre-teens and teens to deal with the issues of intimacy, calling them to deep, but pure, relationships with others.  We need to teach our young women how to dress modestly in the fashion culture that prefers to show off the entire body.  Young men need to be mentored about the dangers of idolizing the bodies of women who appear in skin magazines and movies (reality is unlike to measure up).

To leave sex to those outside of the Church, which has been the default position of the American Church since the Puritans hit Plymouth Rock, is irresponsible and dangerous.  It is time to reclaim the Church’s rightful position in society as the Oracle of Purity.  We need to proclaim the benefits of sex within marriage, the joy of purity, and cease the striving and distortion that society’s view of sexuality creates.

God invented sex – and He invented the Rules about it.  We cannot keep ignoring our corporate obligation to society and worse, to our youth (in age and Christianity) without heaping coals in our own lap.

And at this rate, the fire is already kindling.

My league consists of a large number of women.  Some are very savvy players, others subscribe to the pretty colors theory of picking players or teams.  Usually, my mother ends up in the finals or semi-finals with the rest of us secretly hoping she’ll trounce the competition!

What I’ve learned about fantasy football is that it makes the actual games more exciting when I recognize my players.  The big names I know, and I do pretty well with those who played at Iowa State or Iowa, or even played in the Big 12 or Big 10 against them.

This year, I am thinking about switching from our usual website to a new one.  We’ve had a few problems at foxsports, including trouble logging in and changing line-ups, so I’m going to look at a few other sites.  I really don’t want to spend a lot of time learning how to use a new site, so I’m hopeful that they will all be easy to use.

I’m trying to squeeze in a few books as I work through my summer quarter of classes.  I tend to read several books at once.  Right now I have three:

1.  The Oblate Life- a book about becoming a benedictine oblate by several different authors.

2.  Patron Saints for Postmoderns by Chris Armstrong

3.  Fast Company by Speedy Bill Smith and Dave Argabright

For example, some are rejecting “Christian” and instead using “Christ-followers” instead.  While I understand that the people insisting on this change are striving to lose the negative connotations, reinventing the wheel also leads to more confusion among everyone.

But my biggest pet peeve is applying the term “monasticism” to communal living by families and married persons.  Monasticism is defined as living in a monastery, convent, nunnery, or abbey by unmarried persons.   To say you are living “monastically” when you have really just moved to a commune with your wife and kids strikes me as missing the point at best and at worst completely misleading everyone.

Historically  for over 2,000 years, the terms has NOT been applied to married people.  By co-opting the term and applying it to a situation that is inaccurate diminishes its meaning to future generations and the significance in our history.

To be a monk in a monastic community meant (and means) that sacrifices were made: primarily marriage and family.  In Medieval times, living in a monastery may have been a benefit, as there was usually food, learning, and community.

Today, monastic living is more about the sacrifice – try living in today’s society as a single person.  From the outside looking in, the world believes you are homosexual, weird, and/or undesirable. Our society values pairing off, and to see someone deliberately or not so deliberately choose otherwise is disconcerting to society.

As a single Protestant woman, I often joke that at least Catholic singles receive the “spiritual benefit” of choosing to be singles as a nun or monk.  In my Protestant circles, which heavily value and tout marriage and family, I’m more often viewed as a anomaly.

Perhaps that is why I dislike the use of terms relating to singleness being redefined to include marriage.  I mean, as a single Christian, I have to forego sex, can’t you keep your married paws off my single-meaning terms?

1.  Dress appropriately. Not everyone has a suit, but your clothing should be clean and appropriate.  Looking well put together never goes wrong.  Appropriate attire does NOT include: halter tops, tank tops, shorts, items with beer logos, any hat, or flip-flops.  Women should not be showing cleavage.   And leave your really expensive jewelry at home (except engagement/wedding ring).  If you show up in inappropriate attire, you may be sent home to change (I’ve seen that happen more than once).

2.  Be early. My theater coach taught “If you are 15 minutes early, then you are really 15 minutes late.”  Be at the courthouse one-half hour early.  Give yourself time to get to the courthouse, find parking, use the bathroom and not be rushed.  You do not want to have the Judge waiting for you.  Judges tend to get miffed, issue arrest warrants and let you sit in jail until they have time to see you.  You don’t want that to happen.  Plus, there are always a few things to go over with your attorney.

3.  Remember the walls have eyes and ears. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a clerk or court reporter tell me that the client had been the hallway swearing, shouting, making out with their significant other or talking about things that would make you blush.  This bad behavior does get reported to the Judge and they do consider it when deciding your fate.

4.  Leave your kids at home. Unless the Court has ordered the children to appear, leave them at home. Your ride needs to bring her kids along, great – then she stays in the parking lot, at the local McDonalds or somewhere other than the courthouse with the kids.  Bringing your kids to court makes the Judges feel like you are manipulating them, and it is, well, because you are.  Kids do not have fun at court; they cannot sit still long enough or stay quiet long enough.  Age does not matter.  Nothing is worse than having Daddy go to prison, unless it is Daddy going to prison with his kids watching.  There is simply not enough therapy in a lifetime to deal with all those issues.  Again, Leave the Kids At Home!

5.  Don’t show up drunk or drugged. This seems so simple, but I can’t tell you how many people show up drunk.  Judges get a sixth sense about these things, and I’ve watched more than one person get thrown in jail just so the Judge could determine whether they were drunk or not (The Judge will have you tested by the jailer and the results reported back to him/her).  Do not have your last hurrah the night before. If you must have one, do it two nights early so you have no chance at being hung over.

6.  Do what the Court orders you to do. This is the Lindsey Lohan Rule.  If ordered to do something, do it.  If you mess around and wait, there may be consequences.  For example, most people charged with drug or alcohol crimes will have to get a substance abuse evaluation.  If you don’t do it before the case is resolved, the Judge may add jail time, and then you still have to do get the evaluation.  Delaying when the Court tells you to do something usually doesn’t turn out well.  If you are dealing with a child custody issue, and the Court wants you to take some parenting classes, if you don’t and the other parent does, don’t be surprised if the kids go home with the other parent.

7.  Turn off your phone. In some courtrooms, offending cellphones are confiscated and never returned. Others have a hefty fine for offenders.  Turn yours off in the parking lot, or better yet, don’t bring it into the Courthouse at all.  Even Jurors will have their cellphone confiscated before beginning a case in some jurisdictions.  And, by the way, there is NO ONE that Judges think are so important that they get a pass on this one.  NO ONE.

8. Watch your emotions. I’ve watched people who should be remorseful look smug.  I can almost calculate how much additional jail time it added to their sentence.  I’ve also watched women diva themselves out of their children because the Judge didn’t like their b*tchy attitude.  People get nervous and stressed out at court, but you need to be careful with how you are coming off to observers.

Follow those few guidelines and you should make a good impression at Court.  And after all, you want the Court to give you something (relief, the kids, money, less punishment).

The “small” problem is that Nascar is not like other major sports.  The NBA, NFL and MLB are all unionized sports that provide a variety of helps to their players.  All three major sports have contracting helps for players coming into the league, minimum salary requirements, health insurance and retirement benefits.

Nascar does not allow a players’ union, does not provide health insurance and does not require or provide retirement benefits.  Using the argument that each driver/crew chief/ crew member is an independent contractor, Nascar has strenuously rebuffed unionization.

Curtis Turner, a man who should be in the Nascar Hall of Fame for his driving skills, if not for his part in developing Charlotte Motor Speedway with Bruton Smith, tried to unionize Nascar back in the 1960′s.  Big Bill Smith responded by banning him for life from the sport (this was eventually lifted several years later).

More recently, the issue of standardized retirement contributions reared its head when Sam Ard, a Busch series champion, had no retirement, and fell on hard times as he aged.  Despite the rallying of drivers and the media, Nascar basically said, “Sorry, we aren’t responsible for drivers retirement and we won’t provide a retirement plan for drivers as they are independent contractors.”

Now Nascar wants to have its cake and eat it too.  It wants to punish “independent contractors” for saying things against the sport while at the same time not providing the benefits the other major sports do.

If Nascar wants to have drivers tow the line, then it needs to pony up some of the benefits of the other major sports’ unionization – particularly retirement benefits, open disclosure of contracts (like the others), provide health care insurance, and help young drivers moving into the sport.

Shame on them for taking and without giving.

1.  Learn the words. I cannot believe how many times I have heard the singer massacre and mangle the words to the song.  In particular, the third line seems to give people fits.   The line is: “Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the perilous fight,” not “perilous night.”  I’m talking to you Jessica Simpson, John Michael Montgomery, and Steven Curtis Chapman.

2.  Don’t schmalz up the melody. The National Anthem is not to be recreated to feature your delusional musical genius.  Really.  It is meant to be sung in a way that the listeners can join in, if they feel so lead.  Taking liberties with the melody leads me to believe you just don’t know what the real tune is and are trying to avoid singing the correct one because you can’t.  I will give a brief respite to this rule for those performing the National Anthem on an instrument – I know have heard some fantastic renditions on the piano, saxophone, and trumpet.

3.  Pick a good tempo.  On one hand, do not sing it with a slow death march feel.  I heard one young lady sing it so slowly that the crowd audibly moaned at the end of the first line – because it took nearly one minute.  You could read this entire post in less time than it took her to sing the first four lines of the song.  The flip side is that some singers rip through the song so quickly that the crowd can’t keep up (neither can the flyover).

4.  This is group sing. To sum up my first three points: remember this is group singing.  The tempo, melody and words should be done so that the crowd can sing along.  To the crowd – it is perfectly permissible and frankly, desirable to sing along.

5.  Don’t do anything but show reverence during the National Anthem. If someone is singing the National Anthem (and I’d say this goes for whatever country’s anthem you are hearing), show some respect.  No eating, chatting on your cellphone, reading, or talking to your neighbor.  You are to stand, face the flag (if displayed), pay attention, remove your hat (men only)  and put your hand over your heart.

6.  Under no circumstances are you to hoot, yell and carry on during the anthem - even if the singer hits the high notes fantastically.  Yes, I’m calling you out Nascar fans and all other sporting fans who think you can yell appreciatively during the Anthem.

Tonight I got home (with Blaze the Dog) and were welcomed by a meowing Indy Cat.  Indy was excited to see Blaze (and me) but wouldn’t stop meowing.  This tends to be his pattern when we’re gone for a few days. I know it will not stop for several days – maybe a week.  Indy apparently feels the need to verbally tell me everything that happened while I was away.

He also becomes incredibly clingy.  As I write this, he is resting his head on my knee with his body pressed against my leg.  If I let him, he would be lying across the keyboard!  Of course, with inter-species jealousy, this means Blaze thinks he has to jockey for more pats on the head, more room closer to me, and more barking for attention.

If Indy sticks to his usual pattern, he will wake me up several times during the night meowing while looking for both Blaze & I.  I guess he doesn’t believe I’m really home until he’s found me in bed a few times each night!

Well, I guess it is good to be home.