A few days ago, I was reading an online dating profile which indicated that the writer was only interested in dating women who were virgins. Given that he was in his mid-30’s, I pondered how many women his own age were replying.
So I wondered: Is a mid-thirties something woman who is a virgin a sought after commodity or does the mention of virginity scare off potential dates?
In junior high and high school, I recall schoolyard gossip about who had done “it” and who had not. Some seemed to go to great lengths to dispatch their virginity by ignoring safety, choosing undesirable dates, and seducing their prom dates. But as I’ve aged, this topic of discussion has fallen to the wayside. I assume that most single people I meet have some sort of sexual experience – even though I run in some fairly conservative circles. Perhaps I’m not being fair to them and under estimating their restraint?
Does religious persuasion play a role in the view of virginity? In other words, is it more socially acceptable to be a middle aged virgin if you have religious reasons for it or can you just want to wait for “the one”?
Is it more socially acceptable to be a female virgin than a male virgin? Do people, particularly men, who haven’t had sexual experience just fail to mention it to their partners until it is no longer an issue?
And what happens if your date announces that they have never had sex? Is it a turn on or a turn off?
Would it be more flattering to be the person they chose to have sex with or is it more nerve racking?
What if the date told you there would be no sex until marriage? Do you need to have sex with someone to determine compatibility? Or should you be elated that there is no comparison to how the prior significant others in their life did it?
Is virginity a sign that the person will be more faithful?
If sex is so important, then what will you be doing when the sex drive slows down – in 20 or 30 years? In the long run aren’t companionship and friendship more important?
Not easy questions to answer, and not something you think about every day. But should the virgins among us wear it as a badge, or is there good reason to hide their status?
Hello,
Well, you posed a lot of interesting questions here! As another woman, and one who committed not to date in high school and is now teaching girls who have made the same committment, I would say that at middle age, the WORLD may think a virgin ‘inexperienced’ and look down on him/her. However, a godly woman doesn’t want a worldly man. A godly man will appreciate, and look for (turned on, if you will) a woman who has saved herself. Godly men don’t want prostitutes. Of course, if you made mistakes and repented in the past, that is a different story.
I guess it really comes to this: whether virginity is a turn on or turn off, it is our moral duty and an honor to our name as a woman to keep ourselves pure. Thanks for the thought provoking post! I enjoyed it. Stop by some time!
Phylicia
Phylicia,
I agree with your comments about Godly men.
Encouraging young women to stay virgins is a daunting task. Society tells them in so many ways to gain experience, but the teen pregnancies and emotional hurts show some of the pitfalls of teen sex.
I think it depends on what the guy is looking for. If he is looking for a long term relationship with someone that is moral and probably Christian then it is a good thing. If the guy is looking for a short-term thing, then its obviously not going to work out.
That’s a good point too. Do you think a woman should play the card, so to speak, to get a reaction to determine the guy’s intentions?
Usually you know right away what kind of guy you are dealing with by his mannerisms and also where you met him. For instance, those couples that meet in a bar usually have one thing on their minds; while those that meet through church or Christian organizations have purer motivations. I personally don’t date ‘random’ guys; I only go out with friends whose motivations I know. I would suggest this for every woman.
Phylicia
That is true. But I’ve found a few not so Christian guys lurking at church too!
Another issue that I think young women don’t consider is the use of alcohol. Too many drink and get taken advantage of because they can’t or don’t say “no.” I know a few who have regrets the next morning and who have done something they’d never agree to sober.
Very true — church doesn’t automatically guarantee a safe relationship. This is why I don’t go on dates with men I don’t have a previous friendship with, and I never go on dates alone. I think the best way to measure a guy’s intentions is to tell him you will do a double date or only got to public places, like a concert, and I always drive my own car. This has weeded out the men who think they’ll ‘get lucky’ at some point, because those who have that motivation won’t go with a girl if they know they will never get ‘it’.
Alcohol is a factor too. I think a woman should know her threshold of drink — mine is one glass — and not go over it, not only for the possible lack of control but also for her testimony, if she is a Christian.
Thanks for stopping by the other day! I enjoy our discussions.
Phylicia
Hmmm… I was just passing through and stumbled on this. It looks like I’m the first guy to reply so I’ll give you a definitive answer.
We don’t talk about it.
I’m in my mid-twenties and I’m a virgin. When I’m on a date I don’t mention anything either way. She’ll come to whatever assumption she wants to arrive at.
I don’t judge others based on their sexual history. I’m interested in who they are today.
Thanks for giving us the “guys” perspective!
I like that you don’t judge others, and it is important who they are today.
I wonder if we miss something though by not discussing this or if it is better left to a later in the relationship discussion
I actually meant to make my previous comment a bit longer but got called away
.
Do we miss something? Maybe. Like I said, I don’t judge people based on their past. With that being said, I have IMMENSE respect for girls that hold on to their virginity. It would definitely be a positive thing.
I think the girl thinks “If I act too prude he’ll dump me before he gets a chance to know me, but I don’t want to look easy either. Best not to discuss it and see what happens.”
As for the guy… There’s a lot of freaking pressure. I don’t date as often as I should simply because I hate it. You would think it would feel less awkward over time, but it doesn’t. You still make us all jittery inside
. We just learn to hide it better.
The only exception is the “Pick Up Artists”. Frankly if you read “The Game” by Neil Strauss he flat out admits that he lost his respect for women in the process. I’d rather be able to respect the face staring back at me when I look in the mirror…
So put frankly… We’re too busy trying to be charming and make you laugh. Discussing religion and moral values is dangerous territory that we work to avoid!
Forgotten – Thanks for the insight. I know the “sex” discussion is never very comfortable, and so people leave it until late – sometimes too late.
I haven’t read “The Game” but I can see how if you approach the person as a number or merely for what it gets you, it would be hard to keep your respect for that person. Even harder to keep in mind that it is a person you are dealing with.
Religion and moral values are things that are close to our hearts, which should make it more imperitive that we discuss it early, but instead we wait to expose ourselves that way. I think that is human nature – I don’t want to give you something to hurt me with, whether that is through disagreement or laughter or confusion.