Rumors, Lies, and Sex at Work

I’ve never been one to put much stock in gossip.  Since I grew up in a small town, I know that people are constantly talking about you whether you’re doing anything talk-worthy or not. 

But it still came as a shock to find out that the “hot” gossip the past month has been about an affair I’m having with my boss.

The problem - I’m not having an affair with my boss. 

Ironically, my boss heard the rumor first and told me.  He’s furious at the person who started the rumor and isn’t sure what, if any, punishment to mete out. 

The two of us have been working the past month on a big project, hence spending lots of time at work and after hours working.  We knew each other before we worked together and have always had an easy companionship.  But it has never, ever, been a romantic relationship.  In fact, I set him up with his girlfriend of several years.

So how do you disprove something that isn’t true?  Especially when the one who started the lie appears to have inside knowledge - at least to those listening.

The rumor has the ability to make me examine every interaction I have with my boss - should I work late because he’s here and it looks like a potential rendezvous?  Should we ever meet behind closed doors?  What if we share a joke?  

Somehow becoming paranoid does not seem like a great solution - and I doubt it will change the mind of those who want to believe the rumor is true.  A harsh cutback of our interaction may look more like guilt than a denial that it never happened.

On the other hand, the rumor/lie has me looking at my behavior at work.  What about how I interact with my co-workers would lead someone to believe that I would encourage another to cheat on their significant other?  Is the fact that I’m reluctant to discuss my dating life adding fuel to the fire?  Why does everyone have to know all my business or else I’m hiding something?  

 I’m not sure what the next step is - do I adamantly deny the affair to the ones who believe it?  Do I ignore it?  Should I confront the one spreading the lies (who of course will deny it)?  Is finding and flaunting a new boyfriend the right answer?  

Abortion: Hate the Messenger?

A Pro-Life group organized a demonstration today in my town at a busy intersection.  The demonstration consisted of several 3 foot by 5 foot signs bearing images of aborted fetuses/ children.  Each road coming into the intersection had at least three of these boards, and on each corner a person leafletted the cars as they stopped at the light.

I was rather frustrated by this demonstration.  Not because I am Pro-Abortion, as I am staunchly Pro-Life, but because the method of conveying the Pro-Life message was too gruesome.  At least in my book.

The first thought I had was what would a woman who had regrets about her abortion think?  It is too late to unring the bell.  Would this be more likely to push her into the Pro-Life camp or would she become entrenched in the Pro-Choice camp.  This certainly wasn’t a compassionate message.  Startling and shocking are more apt descriptions.

Then I thought about all the women who have been trying for years to have a child.  What would they think of these posters of dissected children?  Would they view abortion in the same context. 

My next thought was that not many people would change their opinion on this issue based on this display and it may do more harm than good.

However, these people do feel so  passionate about this issue that they were willing to spend time drawing attention to it.  And spent money preparing poster boards and flyers.

Although I am still upset by the demonstration, Who am I to say that their message is ineffective?  Maybe they make a difference in one person’s mind.  And maybe that is enough.

Good Friday Thoughts

Tonight I celebrated Good Friday services at my church.  I remember when I was growing up that we typically celebrated Maundy Thursday instead.  Sometimes, I think that the pomp and circumstance of the Catholic celebration of Holy week may be closer to what we should all be doing.  The problem is that after a few years of celebrating that way, it would become rote as well.

I know that my focus is to be on Jesus’s death and the turmoil that the disciples were feeling.  It mirrors the confusion non-believers feel.  But since I know how it ends, it is difficult to feel the depths of despair Peter, John, and the rest felt. 

Can you imagine how excited, elated even, satan and his henchmen felt after Jesus died?  God’s best shot to redeem men was dead, an apparent failure.  What plans he must have made!  Did he taunt God?   Did he view it as his way to buy his way into heaven with a trade of mankind? 

Then what happened when he realized Jesus had won?  Was he paralyzed by fear?  Did the full consequences of his treason fall upon him?

 My questions will not be answered in this life time.  But I may get them answered some day in heaven.  Or maybe I’ll be too busy praising the lamb that was slain to worry about it.

Science proves Men are Clueless about Women?

A new study found that men are “somewhat oblivious” to the emotional subtleties of non-verbal cues.  In essence, men have a hard time determining whether a woman is merely being friendly or if she is after something more.

The study, conducted by Indiana University’s Department of Psychological and Brain Sciences, showed photographs to 280 college students, with an average age of 20.  Students viewed the photos on a computer and had to categorize them as Friendly, Sexually Interested, Sad or Rejecting. 

Women were able to correctly categorize more images, while the men tended to categorize friendly images as sexually interested.  However, the men also tended to categorize the sexually interested images as friendly. 

First, I’m not certain this study does what it says it does.   I’m sure it will be peer reviewed in the future, but I would think the images could be manipulated to get the result you want from the study.  The main issue is who selected the images, and how clear were the photos in depicting the emotions.  Flat photos do not translate the full meaning like an interaction with someone does. 

On the other hand, men and women do have radically different methods of communicating.  We women tend to be more concerned with how others view us - whether male or female.  When dealing with men, most women will attempt to soft sell bad news (I don’t like you) and think that men should pick up on the hints she drops that she likes him (we talked for 2 hours).  Men, on the other hand, tend to be more direct and reserved. 

Sure, there are players on both sides of the field who are just in it for self-gratification or the most conquests, but the majority are honestly trying to figure things out.

Add to the mix popular culture which sends out  mixed messages daily about how to do this or how to do that.  The popularity of books like “The Rules” and “He’s Really Not Into You” highlight and cause some of the confusion. 

Other than widening the divide, I’m not sure this study really tells us anything, other than what we already know:  Each of us could do a better job communicating with each other.

So, when you are out on that date this weekend, just remember she/he may clueless about what you are trying to communicate! 

Sir Paul and Heather Mills: The Case for a Pre-Nup

Today the Judge in the Paul McCartney & Heather Mills divorce released his findings.  In short, the Judge found Ms. Mills to be inconsistent and inaccurate and less than candid with her testimony.  But he still awarded her $48 million as a settlement, which works out to $34,000 per day of the marriage.   The amount was considerably less than the $250 million Mills believed appropriate and requested.

McCartney’s net worth was estimated to be around $800 million, much of it earned before his marriage to Mills.   When the couple married, rumors abounded that McCartney’s children wanted him to have Mills sign a pre-nup.  He did not have a pre-nup prepared.  

What was he thinking?  What was she thinking?

I know, everyone wants a marriage that will last the test of time.  And some deem a pre-nuptial agreement to be unromantic, and planning to fail at the relationship.

In reality, failing to have a pre-nuptial agreement is failing to plan.

Heather Mills is a perfect example.  A pre-nuptial agreement would have given her an idea how much money she would get in the event of  a divorce.   Instead, she’s had to wait over two years from the separation and filing of documents to find out how much she receives.  How do you plan your life waiting that long? Will you get any money? How much you will have to earn on your own?  The only ones who benefited from this were the attorneys, who may have taken more out of the marriage than Heather did.

 A pre-nuptial agreement gives both sides a plan to follow in the event something goes wrong.  And, it lets both partners know that they are not being married solely for the assets they bring to the relationship (gold-diggers beware!).    An agreement will also ease the concerns of family and friends, which appear to have contributed to the McCartney-Mills problems.

Most couples think that they don’t own enough things to make a pre-nuptial agreement worthwhile, but by the time either party has hit 25, odds are good that there are significant debts and some assets that both bring to the relationship.

McCartney was already a world famous musician, and Mills was a successful speaker and model when they met.  Both earned more money than the average.  So what were a couple who were approximately 55 and 30 at the time doing getting married without a pre-nuptial agreement?  That document would have saved a lot of people a lot of heartache and legal wrangling.

Sex: Just a Physical Thing?

During this week’s scandal du jour, the repeated refrain from some quarters was that “It is just sex.  No big deal.”  This group wants the rest of us to believe that sex is merely a physical process, like breathing.  But is it?  And what do part of our humanity do we lose if we buy this lie?

First, is sex just a physical thing?  It cannot be just a physical process.  If it was, why attempt to hide infidelity from a partner?  If it is just a physical process like digestion, then everyone does it.  But not everyone has sex in their lifetime.  And the reality is that not everyone breaks their promise of fidelity to a partner. 

Because you’ve added a commitment factor does that take it out of a physical process characterization? So sex + commitment makes it more than a physical process?  This does not fit the facts either.

Bodily functions are involuntary.  We do not have to stop to think to accomplish them.  Sex requires thought.  It requires us to either like the person we are with or want the short term satisfaction sex will give us.

Secondly, if sex is merely a physical process, then why do rape victims feel so violated?  Why is there so much shame in being a victim to a physical process?  And why will psychologists tell you that rape isn’t about sex but power.  Does that sound like a mere physical process?

There is an undeniable emotional component to sex.  Women, as well as many men, equate sex with love.   That is why most women feel there is some sort of intangible commitment made when they sleep with someone.  It is implicit with the sex - let someone be as intimate as they can be with you, and there have to be feelings of trust and attraction. 

If we buy the “physical process” lie, what do we as a society lose?  First, we remove love from the equation.  You don’t have to love someone else or even like them to breathe.  If sex is just physical actions, than it can’t have an emotional component. 

Next, should there be any limitation put on sex? If it is a physical process, then the younger a person has sex to master the process, the better, right?  Why limit sex to only those who are “of age” and criminalize sex with those who are under a certain arbitrary age?  And why would forcing anyone to conduct a physical process be wrong - it is something they have to do sooner or later, right?  Why would force make it scary or unpleasant?

No, it is clear that sex is more than a physical process.  And any attempt to divorce it from the mental and/or emotional parts will lead us places we do not want to go.

Teenage Sex and Dis - Ease

A recent study found that 1 in 4 teenage girls had a sexually transmitted disease.  Only one-half of those surveyed would admit to having sex;  but of those admitting to having sex, 40% had an STD.  The numbers were shocking and put many people at unease.

The obvious danger is that these STDs can lead to infertility, cancer or death.   The unseen consequences are emotional issues from broken relationships, unintended pregnancies and avoidable abortions.

So what has brought this drastic situation to our youth?  Educators blame abstinence education, which plays some role.  But youth always believes “it can’t happen to me” regardless of the situation.

Those who merely blame abstinence education fail to look at the larger cultural issues:  TV, movies, magazines, celebrity, the sexual revolution, and mainstreaming the porn industry.

Our society is in a cycle of sexual glorification.   Paris Hilton’s claim to fame is a movie of her having sex with her then boyfriend, but she is held aloft as a role model for young women to strive to emulate.  Victoria Secret’s “fashion show” of lingerie serves no purpose but to put scantily clad women on prime time TV for ratings.   Porn queens are publicized like regular actresses.

The failure of the sexual revolution is obvious from the state of relationships.  The sexual revolution supposedly freed women from being taken advantage of sexually, but instead, it made sex slaves out of women.   A friend of mine remarked, “the sexual revolution was a man’s idea to get sex without strings, but women think it is their idea.”  He’s right on many levels.  Who bears the brunt of an unintended pregnancy?  Who is financially harmed if people live together without marriage?  Who has a higher rate of STDs?

Sexual Glorification has other consequences.  When is the last time you saw a portryal of a virgin that didn’t poke fun of the lack of sexual experience?  Women are now in a situation where if they do not put out sexually, the woman next door will.  And the men will go where the sex is.  There is very little equity in virginity anymore.

Have a problem with self-image?  It can be tracked to the thought that only beautiful people are desirable sexually.  The prettier you are, the more sexual conquests you can acquire.

The media casts sexual promiscuity as the ideal, the thing that will solve all problems in a relationship.  We sexualize pre-teens through clothing and activities.  And then wonder why thirteen year-olds are having babies.

What can we do as a society?  First, look in the mirror.  This isn’t about one thing or another, it is the culmination of many things.  We’ve stepped back from our traditional church morals. 

We need to embrace sexual conservatism.  We need to recognize that abstinence is a part of sex education as much as teaching contraceptives is.    Sooner or later children will be adult who need to know the sex myths from reality and how to prevent unintended pregnancies. 

We must stop legitimizing the porn industry and the pseudo-porn industry.  Prime time needs to have fewer sexual innuendos.  Stop marketing sex to pre-teens.

It is a lot to undertake, and will require a concerted effort by the government, media, public relation firms, hollywood, and the family.  But if we don’t, the consequences will be that having a baby at 13 and being infertile by 26 will be the norm, not the exception. 

Spitzer: Why this drags on without a Resignation

Reports run rampant that New York Governor Eliot Spitzer will resign.  A new article pops up on the internet claiming that in one hour, or by such and such time, Spitzer will resign.  He’ll do it by submitting a written letter; he’ll do it in a farewell address.

Regardless of when it happens, it  will happen. 

Why the delay?  Spitzer is using the leverage of his current position to negotiate a resolution to the potential criminal charges.   The US Attorney has an arsenal of charges available to him, and Spitzer has hired a criminal defense lawyer to cut a plea bargain.

Spitzer has to avoid a felony conviction if he wants to practice law in the future.   But the pressure is on the prosecutor to not cut a misdemeanor deal just because the criminal in this case is a former state attorney general and current governor.

Maybe Spitzer learned something from the CEO’s he prosecuted in the past.  Then again, maybe he didn’t or he would not be in this situation.

The bigger question may be how much jail time Spitzer is willing to do to avoid a felony conviction, and if that amount of time is big enough for the prosecutor to set aside the best charges available to him.

Sex and Politics: Does Marital Faithfulness Matter?

Eliot Spitzer, Governor of New York, was named as a client of a prostitution ring targeted by Federal authorities.  Spitzer did not confirm that he used the services of a prostitute, however, court documents leave little to the imagination in regards to his involvement.  To put it bluntly, he paid cash so as not to leave a trial, but his voice is captured on federal wire taps in negotiations to the “escort service.”  The woman he arranged to meet at his hotel in Washington, D.C. is later heard on tapes to comment that one of her ploys was to say “you really want the sex?”

Spitzer has long campaigned against corruption and as New York’s Attorney General busted similar prostitution rings.  Thus, he is unable to claim ignorance of the law as a defense.  He also can’t claim to not understand or comprehend the damage done to women by prostitution.  As a married man with three daughters,  he should recognize he carries a great burden to do the right thing when dealing with other women.  

So what excuse is left?  To claim that his lack of discretion and unfaithfulness to his marriage has nothing to do with his ability to lead. 

It is a familiar refrain.  One uttered by President Bill Clinton when he was caught having  a sexual relationship with Monica Lewinsky.  One uttered recently by Senator Larry Craig when he was literally caught with his pants down possibly soliciting a same sex fling in an airport restroom.  One likely uttered by Henry VIII which led to the breakaway Church of England.   

But can one separate their private persona from their public one?  And on what matters?  Sex? Lies? Theft? Murder?

The answer is: No.  Attempting to separate what one does in private from what one does in public leads to an absurdity.  

Everyday the legal system recognizes this fact by allowing crimes of dishonesty to be used against witnesses testifying in court cases.   It doesn’t matter if the crime occurred during a personal situation and the trial is on a business matter or if the trial is a divorce and the crime occurred as a result of a bad check passed during a business transaction.  Dishonesty is dishonesty.  One does not get to separate it based on whether it happened in bed or at the market.

Each person is the sum of the parts:  the private, the public, the spouse, the child, the parent, the adult, the student, the role model, and so forth.

These shortcomings are just that:  flaws in character. 

Taking a public oath and violating it is still violating it, whether done in private or in public. 

Spitzer’s conduct violated his marital vows, his oath of office, his integrity, and likely his own moral standards.   And he should be held accountable for that.

  

Singleness: Find contentment?

As a single woman approaching middle age, I confess to trying many of the time honored traditions to finding a husband: blind dates, set-ups, online matching, and “going where the guys are.”

So far, none of these ideas have worked.  I view this lack of success various ways.  Sometimes it is upsetting.  Sometimes I’m relieved.  Other times, I wonder what is wrong with me.  Or him.  Or the whole dating system.

Maybe it’s just not to be.  Or maybe I’ll be the 99 year old who gets married for the first time in the nursing home lobby.

In any event, I’m finding that the way people respond to a single, successful woman is fascinating.  The wheels in some’s mind turn as to why I am single while others are flipping through their black book to find a potential suitor for me.  Still others condemn me for failing to subject my dreams to one of the men left stranded along the way.  Men at church, in particular, aren’t sure exactly how to deal with me:  they are used to dealing with women through their husbands, and I don’t have one. 

For now, I’ll keep trying to find new friends, while maintaining contentment with the place that I’m in right now. 

Contentment may be easier said than done in this culture where marriage and sexual relationships are viewed as the ultimate goal to be reached and strived toward.